I'm Not That Girl: Lessons from a Year of Journaling

By Victoria (Tori) Martinez

After I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, I decided that for a year I would journal about my journey. I wrote each page as if it were a letter to myself or my children and we could one day look back on and see how far I had come. I had hope of healing, hope of being cured.

That was over a decade ago. I picked up that old journal recently and took a walk down memory lane. It was an emotional walk. I’ve had highs and lows. I’ve experienced beauty and pain. I’ve had some healing physically, but mostly emotionally and spiritually. I finally accepted that there is no cure (yet). But I am happier, and I feel like my life is more purposeful. I thought I would share some of what I’ve learned all these years of creative journaling with all of you.

So below is a recent poem I wrote (be sure to read all the way to the end, it might surprise you). This poem will be included in an upcoming poetry book I am working on, all about the chronic illness journey. If this resonates with you, please sign up for my newsletter so that you can stay updated on my upcoming books, new paintings, and more.

I Am Not That Girl

I’m not that girl I used to be.

The one before chronic illness visited me.

She was brave and strong and carefree.

She was tall and slender and healthy.

That girl was always early and showed up with a smile on her face.

That girl had degrees, got promotions, and made great money everyday.

Until that girl over worked, over committed, and got over drained.

Then little by little that girl faded away.

The smile became a wince from pain.

Then brave to endure the hospital stays.

Strong to live with the daily strain.

No longer on time, always falling a step behind.

I’m not that girl, she aimed to please, yet was never truly seen.

I’m not that girl. Not like before.

Even others would say it’s not the same anymore.

I’m not that girl, she didn’t survive.

I’m what was left behind.

I’m now the woman who doesn’t always say yes.

I guard my time to reduce my stress.

I’m now the woman who doesn't rush.

I cherish each moment as if time has stopped.

I’m now the woman who lets herself cry, instead of bottling it all up inside.

I’m now the woman with wrinkles and scars, with a crown of silver hair only wisdom can bring. The wisdom of learning to be the boss and fire the doctors who gained from my loss, of being "the caption of my ship and the master of my fate".

I’m now the woman who sees so much more, more than I ever could before.

I see the joy and the pain.

I see the rainbow and the rain.

I see tomorrow and today.

I’m not that girl, she didn’t survive.

I’m the woman with the more meaningful life!

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This information shared here is based on personal experience and perspectives. It is not intended to be medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult a qualified health care provider for guidance tailored to your individual needs.

This blog is copyrighted to Victoria (Tori) Martinez and may not be reproduced in anyway without express permission from the author. Contact the author at 719-480-8739